Dear Extra Twenty Pounds,

please go away. You are not welcome on this body any more. You are slowing me down and making me spend far too much time in front of the mirror practicing my poses that make me look the slimmest. This is time that could be spent bonding with my baby, sitting together watching re-runs of "Fresh Prince." Or you know, getting exercise together.

You have your uses I suppose... like feeding my fat-ass baby. But really, does he need to eat that much anyway? It's not like he's starving.

It was cute when it was stretched over a baby in my belly, but now that I can tuck the car keys into my belly button? NOT SO CUTE.