We sure lucked out in the baby lottery.

HO. LY. FUCK.

Why does my baby hate me?

I seriously sometimes feel like I'm being punished sometimes, for something horrific I did in a past life. Why else would I be so lucky to have this miserable child. I swear, now when he's screaming and NOTHING I'M DOING IS WORKING, I just stand there and stare at my son and I think "Really? You're MY child?"

I have to make light of it, otherwise it would consume me and I'd end up a very depressed mother, which Angus does not need.

Sometimes I think he has colic, sometimes I think he's just got such a big personality that he needs to grow into it.
My doctor kind of just said "Yeah it's hard isn't it? Would you like to see a counselor?"

"YEAH IT'S FUCKING HARD, YOU MORON!! AND NO I DO NOT WANT TO SEE A COUNSELOR, I WOULD LIKE SOME REALLY EFFECTIVE PHARMACEUTICALS THAT WILL RENDER ME COMATOSE UNTIL MY CHILD IS THIRTY!"

Sorry for yelling.

I never used to be an angry person. But since having a child, I now surprise myself with how angry I feel most days. Nowadays when Angus is screaming, I can't even deal with it anymore, because I know nothing I'm doing is working anyway, so why would I bother? He has to sit in his swing or in his bouncer chair locked in my bedroom while I have an emotional break down in the living room because I'm worried that if I am with him I will handle him too roughly, or yell, which really would not be helping him.

I was just now sitting outside while Angus was inside, swaddled tightly so he couldn't break free and murder me, and he was falling asleep to the scream of the blowdryer, when my gorgeous neighbor from upstairs glided past me in a slinky, skin tight dress with a slit in it up to her crotch.

She said, "Hi, how are you," in the sweetest, drippiest voice, and looked at me with such pity or maybe disgust because she could hear my child screaming and the blowdryer going, and I was sitting outside trying to ignore it, and looking really angry and really disheveled. Did I mention I was also drinking a beer and smoking a cigarette?
(Please piss off with your comments about me drinking and smoking, because I don't do it frequently, but today my demon child drove me to it. Also, I heard alcohol in breast milk has a sedating effect on the baby, which is what I was hoping for.)

I can only imagine what she was thinking.

So I glared at her and said, "You ho."


I'm such an angry, unpleasant person these days, I really hate it. Every little thing seems to set me off. Rather than feel sad about it, it's just making me ANGRY!!!
My tooth hurts, and it causes me to stomp around the house and throw things, because it's just so unfair that I have such an angry baby who hates me, and on top of that my TOOTH hurts! Did I mention my TOOTH hurts?

I would like to wrap up this post by saying that I do actuaaly love my baby, very much. There are always sweet moments during the day, like in the morning when he's all curled up into me, and he wakes up and grunts and then grins at me, as if he can't believe how lucky he is to wake up to ME every morning.
These moments keep me from hurling myself off BOB. (big orange bridge for those of you who don't know.)
Every day I go reeling back and forth from utter despair to flaming mad to unimaginable glee, over and over again. It's incredibly exhausting.

I'm a total basket case by the end of the day. Thankfully I have A.D.D. and a terrible memory so in my deluded state of mind I'm thinking, "oh that wasn't so bad, can't wait to do it again tomorrow!"