Is this June-uary?

I was trying to be witty by calling it June-uary, because it's been pissing rain and hailing and howling winds and power-outaging for two days. But I just realized it's not even June anymore. Why didn't anybody tell me this? How is it that I didn't notice that it's a whole new month? It's summer?! I did NOT get the memo!

Oh right, I have a baby. That means that I am no longer part of society, and I no longer go to work, so I no longer need to know what day it is anymore.

While filling out the information for Angus's birth certificate, I remember pausing and looking upwards towards toe heavens for a sign... a sign that would tell me what year it is.
I used to have a really hard focusing (I've since learned that this is called Attention Deficit Disorder) and now I have an even WORSE time focusing. It's true, your brain turns to mush after you have had a baby, which is unfortunate for those of us who weren't completely all there to begin with.

I keep getting distracted by baby sounds. Damn you baby, can't you see I'm trying to neglect you and talk to the internet instead? He's violently swinging in his swing right next to me. It's how he likes it. He must be jerked around aggressively to be calmed down. Sometimes when he's really yelling atme I have to retaliate by turning on the blowdryer full blast and aiming it at his face. Just kidding, I don't really aim it at his face. But the blowdryer thing really works. A lot better than me screaming "SHUT UP!" I don't know why he listens to the blowdryer and not me.

So today we were going to deviate from the usual routine of sitting around on the couch ignoring the housework and watching quality programming such as "What Not To Wear" and "Bulging Brides," and "I didn't know I was pregnant." I sit with Angus and teach him that you can mix ANY color with ANY neutral! I also have to tell him that I am a better hairdresser than Nick Arrojo.

In order to do anything involving leaving the house, we have to drive dad to work, and then we get the car to joy-ride in all day! The only requirement is that we bring dad something really yummy for lunch.

It's really not as easy as it sounds. All morning I was trying to time it in my head how to make sure Angus was fed and slept ad not-cranky, but sufficiently sleepy enough to fall asleep in the car ride, for EXACTLY eleven o' clock, because I needed to go to Wal-Mart to buy athlete's foot cream for my babies persistant butt rash that not even forty dollar prescription butt cream could clear up.

Well he was still sleeping by ten-thiry and I was getting really antsy for him to wake up, because damnit baby, we have things to DO, things that revolve around ME for once, and you must fit MY schedule!! So, like a complete idiot, I woke him up. I woke him up! If you're a parent, you know to NEVER WAKE A SLEEPING BABY!

But I needed him to wake up and eat , so that I wasn't running around the mall with a screaming baby trying to find somewhere to breast feed. Then I made my second dumb-ass mistake of the morning. I tried to force him to eat. Well he kind of tried. I mean, if I put my nipple in his mouth, he will automatically eat, but he kept falling asleep so I kept tickling his feet to encourage him to eat.
After that I picked him up to put him in his car seat and he barfed right into my bra. I guess you can force someone to eat, but you probably shouldn't, because you end up with barf in your bra.

He then commenced his usual screaming bloody murder as I was putting him in his car seat, and continued screaming until I started the car, which works like a switch - instant sleep!
Until we got to Wal-Mart. Wal-Mart, YAY WAL-MART!! It's an exciting day when I get to go to Wal-Mart, this is just how exciting life is with a baby.
As soon as I pulled into the parking lot, the skies opened and dumped an ocean of rain right over Nelson, all at once. I even thought that a tree had fallen on the car, THAT'S how loud that one crack of thunder was!!

So I crawled over the seat into the back seat and stuffed Angus into the Snugli without waking him, and then ran like hell to the doors of Wal-Mart with a shitty red dollar-store umbrella that kept turning inside out and was doing nothing to prevent my precious baby's head from getting bonked by hail-balls. And then my day was ruined. The power was out. At Wal-Mart. Noooooo!!!

So we ran (or I ran, Angus slept, because I was running, and he was bobbing up and down violently getting pelted aggressively by rain, and he likes it rough) BACK to the car, and then we just sat in the backseat. I thought maybe the rain might let up. I enjoyed a few moments with Angus still in the Snugli, snoring against my chest, and I got to indulge myself and kiss his kissable head and nuzzle my chin against his baby-soft hair, since he never lets me do that when he's awake.

Then I realized the clock was ticking and we had to get dad some lunch, so I wrestled Angus out of the Snugli and back into his car seat, but I woke him up and he screamed bloody murder at me again, but then fell back asleep once the car was moving.

As I drove past Wal-Mart, I noticed the lights were on. The power came back on! This is when I yelled "FUCK YOU" and then drove around for a bit to make sure Angus was asleep again, and then parked and then crawled over the seat into the back seat again, and wrestled Angus BACK into the Snugli, but he wasn't really asleep and by this time really pissed off that I kept waking him up.

I figured he'd be okay once I started walking. HAH! I must never assume such things. Right around the baby butt cream aisle, he yelled at me, so I yelled back. Then I tried to bounce him around so he would quit yelling so I could read the bottles of butt-cream, but he wasn't having any of that, so I stuck my finger in his mouth and he gummed it for about three seconds before realizing that it wasn't the real deal and he got PISSED OFF.

So had to do this awkward dance where I drape a blanket over the baby and the Snugli and try to maneuver my right breast out of my bra and then out of my shirt, and then adjust the Snugli so Angus's face is right in front of the boob, and then direct his frenzied baby-bird squawking to the nipple, all while trying to remain decent and covered-up. I thought we were good until Angus reminded me that HE DOES NOT LIKE THE RIGHT BOOB.

I gave up and just shoved my finger in his mouth and then ran violently up and down the aisles until I got to the foot fungus aisle. And this is the part where I bend over to pick up the Tinactin and Angus nearly slides out of the Snugli and lands on his head.

At this point, we're both pretty pissed off, and I couldn't even remember what the hell else I was supposed to get from Wal-Mart, so we headed to the food court to get food.
The best part is that I FORGOT the foot cream somewhere... god knows. Did I even buy it? Did I leave it on a shelf? Did I shoplift it? I have no idea.

On the way out to deliver dad's food, Angus was screaming at me, and this time it was really his hungry scream, and I just remember thinking how urgently I was trying to get food delivered to my family, and it struck me as funny, I'm not sure why.

So that was a day in the life. I didn't even manage to do what I was supposed to do today, the whole reason I took the car and completely ruined my baby's schedule and put him in a bad mood for the whole day. I was supposed to go to the post office and send off the application form to recieve Child Tax Benefits. I can't understand why the government doesn't just know already that I had a baby and that I NEED MONEY. I mean, Angus has a birth certificate, a SIN card, and a health care card. Surely the government knows about him by now, and surely that must mean that he has a parent who is not working that NEEDS MONEY for really expensive butt-creams.