Dear Angus,

Today you are exactly eight weeks old. That means we haven’t even known each other for two months, yet I feel like I have always known you. It’s been a huge adjustment for both of us, hasn’t it? The first month and half were hard for both of us - you being forced out of your snug little cocoon into a bright, noisy world, entrusted into MY care for some bewildering reason. I spent a lot of the first few weeks staring at you trying to figure out what your screams meant and why you were so unhappy. I had no idea babies cried so much. Before you were born, I thought it would be pretty easy. I had this idea that I would just trust my intuition, and that you and I would have this instant bond and I would always know how to make you happy. I thought babies only cried when they needed something basic, and that I could meet those needs easily and then you would stop crying. How wrong was I!

I’ve learned that you are really trying to communicate small things, and crying is the only way you know how to do that. The last week has been wonderful. I finally feel like you and I are on the same page. Now I actually appreciate your cries, because it means you are talking to me. And I’m getting a little better at this, so it’s easier to anticipate what you want.
You cry when you are hungry (of course you do, even I cry sometimes when I’m hungry too) but you also cry when, like an idiot, I try and trick you and put you on the right boob, when I should know better - you only like the left boob. (So when you’re all grown up your friends ask you why your mom has lopsided boobs, you can tell them it was your own fault.)
You cry when I think you are sleeping, and I try to put you down in your swing. Your eyelids swing open and you do not hesitate to let me know loudly that you want to be swung in my arms for just a few more minutes. Then you cry when you wake up and discover that you have been left to sleep in the swing, rather than in my arms.
When you’re playing happily on the floor, you’ll cry once you discover that your horrible neglectful mother deserted you to selfishly go empty her bladder.

The most monumental thing I’ve learned this week is that the reason you have total melt downs, is because you can’t be awake for any more than two and a half hours. Since I have learned this, you and I have been in a much better mood. You are like your mother - you get very cranky when you get over stimulated, when you are hungry, and when you need a nap.

This week you have really been smiling - big, giant, toothless, happy smiles and you look at me when you do it, which is thrilling. Sometimes you will grin at the lamp, or the stove, or that weird fuzzy puppet thing that great-grandpa gave me, and I can understand that, because you have never seen these things before.
Yesterday you had a really good meal, and as you fell asleep, you actually LAUGHED! You outright laughed. You did in in your sleep, but it melted my heart and I just wanted to squish you and kiss you all over, but you cry when I do that, so I restrained myself.

My favourite time of the day is night time, because we cuddle and we are happy together in bed. You don’t have to be moved for your next meal, because it is right next to your face all night long. You and I hog the whole bed, leaving your poor dad pressed up against the wall all night long, but he doesn’t mind because he loves us.

I love feeding you. I can’t believe you never get sick of the same meal all day long, day after day. You love to eat, and you know when it’s coming. As soon as I get you into position, your mouth opens and closes like a baby bird, and then you wave your head back and forth trying to find the Holy Boob, snorting with excitement.

I have a few apologies I would like to make:

1. I’m sorry for accidentally kicking you in the head the other day when you were kicking around happily on the floor. I felt so guilty, I picked you up and you and I sobbed together. I don’t think I hurt you, I think it just startled you and you starting crying, and then once hearing your own frantic cries, you started crying harder. I was really worried that I gave you brain damage, so I’m sorry. Your mother is a huge klutz, and I really hope you don’t inherit that.

2. I’m sorry for never having cut your fingernails yet. I know it’s something I’m supposed to do, but I’m so terrified of accidentally cutting off one of your fingers, (remember, your mother is a giant klutz.) Luckily, you only ever scratch the shit out of me, not yourself.

3. I’m sorry for never changing your diaper during the night, and letting you wake up in a soggy mess of pee and poop. I have no excuse, I’m honestly just that lazy.

4. I’m sorry for eating all that broccoli for two nights in a row, and then finding it hilarious when you farted non-stop for two days.

5. I’m sorry for those times when you were screaming, and after feeding you, burping you, playing with you, and changing your diaper, all I could do was stand there staring at you, screaming silently in my head because I didn’t know what else to do. Finally I had to leave you in your bouncer chair in the bedroom and shut the door. When I checked on you in five minutes, you were passed out, so I guess what you were trying to tell me was “You stupid woman, I just need to be left alone!”

6. I’m sorry for not bathing you for an entire week, and thinking its okay to bathe you in baby wipes.

7. I’m sorry for embarrassing you by talking about my boobs.

I love you Angus,. Bringing you into this world fundamentally changed me, and I can’t thank you enough. You have made your mom and dad better people, and you have also brought your mom and dad closer together. Everybody loves you so much, and all your grandparents who are spread out across the country, can’t wait to get their claws on you and spoil you rotten.

I promise to kiss you every day, and tell you I love you at least once a day. I promise to read to you every night. I promise to bathe you more frequently. I promise to keep my relationship with your dad a priority so we can have a happy family forever. I promise to put money aside for your education, so you don’t do what I did and get a student loan and then skip the country for two years thinking it would just go away. I promise to encourage you in whatever interests you have.

I can’t wait to see you grow up and see the person you turn out to be.

Love, mom.