Shut up and have a glass of wine already, sheesh.

So I just have to vent a little.

When did we get so paranoid about every teensy weeny little thing we do when we're pregnant and nursing?

Yes, whilst being pregnant, you should probably stay away from the crack. And maybe the heroin. And probably raw meat too. Maybe don't get shit-faced every night either. You may want to refrain from snowboarding too, while pregnant.
But come on people. YES it's okay to dye your hair while pregnant and certainly while nursing. YES you can drink while nursing. You may want to limit it to four or five margaritas though. YES you can take a freaking Tylenol when you're pregnant.
YES you can eat SUSHI, just don't eat anything RAW! YES you can eat CHEESE, just avoid the green fuzzy parts and your fetus will be fine.

The bottom line is this: Do you think Italian women give up red wine with dinner when they're pregnant? (Well I'm not sure of this, but I have a feeling they wouldn't, as it's part of their culture. Wine IS food.)
Do you think Japanese women give up sushi when they're pregnant?
Do you think Jamaican women put down the bong when they're pregnant? Nooooo.... and I even have evidence. There was a study in which the babies of stoned mama's performed better than babies of not-stoned mama's. SO THERE.

Now, all of this is only my opinions and things I learned from the internet. And the internet NEVER LIES, so it must be true.


But the paranoia doesn't stop there. Once that baby comes screaming into the world, a whole new host of fears arise.

"My baby makes lots of noise when he poops, is he okay?" Um, if you had just come into this world and never pooped before, don't you think it takes a while to learn? Of course there is some grunting and explosive noises coming out your butt... you've never had FOOD in your tummy before. Nothing has ever been digested and moved through your colon yet! And sometimes babies accidentally clench their bumhole closed while clenching their tummy because they haven't quite figured it out yet. This results in a lot of effort, a lot of straining and grunting and going red in the face... they are NOT constipated.

And I know I'm going to offend some people here, but I don't think enough mothers give breastfeeding enough of a chance. Yes, it's painful at first, but it gets better, SO much better.
I've heard things like, "My baby is allergic to my breastmilk." Well that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
I've even heard of mothers giving up breastfeeding because "My baby is gassy."
It makes me want to bash my head into a wall, repeatedly. Don't you think formula is even harder to digest than breastmilk?
And to the ones that say "I started smoking again after I had my baby, so I couldn't breastfeed."
YES. YOU CAN. It's still better to smoke and breastfeed, than to smoke and formula-feed. I know this because for a while my angry baby was driving me to drink and smoke, and of course I had to research everything obsessively because yes, even as I say all this, I don't really want to harm my baby...

And now that I've made all the formula-feeding mothers out there hate me, I just want to say this: I do NOT have a problem with feeding your baby formula! I know there are a LOT of acceptable reasons to feed your baby formula. I do not think I'm better than you because I breastfeed. (Okay, maybe I do, but that's because I'm kind of an asshole.)
I'm only saying all this because I feel like there are a lot of misinformed mothers out there, who maybe if they had the correct information to begin with, might have stuck it out longer. And of course some woman simply don't WANT to breastfeed, which is totally fine too. It's definitely emotionally draining and even physically exhausting having this little creature attached and sucking on you constantly. In fact, I hated it for the first two months, and seriously considered switching him to formula. The only reason I didn't is because I'm such a lazy person, I thought about what it would be like to have to get up in the middle of the night to make bottles, and then I thought about how right now the way it is, I don't even have to wake up for Angus to eat in the middle of the night, as long as I leave my boob out, HE FINDS IT and feeds himself.

I have actually been trying get Angus to take a bottle of formula occasionally, it's just that he refuses. It's really frustrating because I would like to abandon him for a few nights a week and drink shots of tequila at the bar and drunkenly take all my clothes off and pole-dance on the lamp post, and then spew in the cab ride home. Since I'm too lazy to pump, I try and give Angus formula , which results in him looking at me as if I've committed the ultimate betrayal and then screaming his discontent. He would rather scream and starve than eat anything other than boob.

So there's my hair-brained opinions, and misinformation. In many other cultures there is no such thing as colic, because their babies are carried constantly. In Bali, the baby doesn't even touch the ground until he is six months old and then they have a ceremony for when his feet finally touch earth.
The world-wide average for breastfeeding is four years.

Simply put, I think our culture is way too uptight.